I accompanied Jerry (my husband) when he went up to Westchester last week to play golf at Elmwood Country Club. I don’t like to play golf, (I’m not much of an athlete) but I do love to ride around in the golf cart with him, especially if he goes in the late afternoon and the sun is beginning to set. I find dusk very dreamy. Anyway, those of you who have read “Lost and Found” know that we feel Danny strongly when we go up that way. It is close to the home where we all lived as a family and Danny was fond of the country and rural settings.
As soon as we arrived and Jerry went off to slip into those gorgeous golf get-ups, (I’m not too big on golf clothes either) I felt that familiar nostalgia rise up in my heart. We met at the golf cart and as he went to take his first shot, I set up my phone to play random selections from my itunes library, put my earphones into my ears and prepared for a nice relaxing ride. I hadn’t planned on this being a big emotional outing, however, as one song came on after another, each one relating to Danny, I found myself weeping uncontrollably. When the third song came on, which was the theme from Beauty and the Beast, I was beside myself. This song, played over and over in our home, because it was Jessica’s favorite baby movie and for years Danny would sing that song to her. I could hear his voice singing in my head and the memories, so beautiful and full of love, provoked a huge sense of longing. I had no tissues. I took off my socks and used them as handkerchiefs. I cried for the first nine holes and I remember thinking to myself how profound the pain of child loss really is. I thought of each and everyone of you and as I did, I cried harder. And then, all of a sudden, just as quickly as the blues came on, they slipped away and I was awestruck by how calm I felt and how beautiful the trees and the grass and the birds were. I felt as if I had shed ten pounds of sorrow and I remember thinking of what my teach Seth used to say about allowing ourselves to feel and experience our emotions.
I thought about this quote by Seth that I have always loved: “The sky would never hold back it’s storms, it has better sense and so should you.” I felt so relieved, cleared out, so to speak and I realized that my desire to not get pulled into the sorrow, prevents me from letting it all hang out, and sometimes, that’s what is called for. I came to see that honesty of emotion, whatever those emotions are, is freeing. And the fact is, I really felt much lighter.
So, now there were the last nine holes to be played and I felt that Danny wanted me to take some photos. Up until that day I had always been a little bit frustrated because I have never seen one orb in any photographs I have taken. People are always showing me photos with orbs and I have complained to Danny that I have not been so lucky. I felt Danny challenging me to play with the camera, so, I started snapping photos of things that caught my eye. When I looked back at the first photo I took, what did I see? Well, I think it’s an orb but there are those who would say that what you see is nothing more than a reflection from the sun. I honestly don’t know for sure, but I am attaching 2 photos that I took that day that seem to have orbs in them. If any of you have any experience with this, I’d love your opinions.
I want to conclude by saying that although I firmly believe that Danny and all the other children who have passed into spirit are well and thriving, there will be times of profound sadness that arise from longing and missing the physical presence of our children. I see no way around this. However, if Danny were living in another country and our only way to communicate was by telephone, I’d save up my dollars for that long distance phone call. For me, staying connected-up to Danny is what allows me to breathe and laugh, because it assures me that this separation is not an end to our relationship by any means. If you don’t feel that way, then consider having a session with a good medium or read a copy of “Lost and Found” which should help you to connect-up on your own. But do what you can to make that connection. It will heal you so much.
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